silvergods: (Default)

silvergods: (Reid&Hotchner)
I'm feeling depressed again and it's frustrating. I'm trying not to get irritated over it because it isn't going to make it any better, but it's discouraging.

I have so many things that I need to do and I legitimately do not have the motivation to get through it, nor do I have anyone I can talk about it with.

I'm pretty sure I officially no longer work at Target, but I haven't shared this with anyone because that would mean I am admitting that I slept through my last known shift, and never grabbed my schedule to find out when my next shift is. It's Monday, and I was most likely scheduled yesterday (Sunday) and this morning. I'm the epitome of irresponsibility. Three shifts missed in a row is considered voluntarily quitting. I have voluntarily quit.

The only good thing about Target is that if I put them on an application they literally only confirm whether I worked there or not because apparently they're not big on wanting to be contacted by future employers. I guess that's the bright side.

The not so bright side is that I don't have a job, I'm depressed as fuck, and I'm barely making it through each day. I finally did laundry when I should have done it at least a solid week ago and I wore an outfit to school that was definitely not fully clean.

Also slipped and bought boots, and socks for 50 dollars and ended up paying for the liquor and weed this weekend with my cousin which was another 50 dollars, and I'm sure my bank account just looks lovely right now.

Can I just throw in the towel? I just want to throw in the towel.
And I need to call my counselor to reschedule because she had to cancel because she was sick and I still haven't rescheduled my psych appointment. I can't.

Why can't I just do NORMAL fucking things? Why can't I be a productive fucking member of fucking society. Why must I sabotage everything good in my life.
silvergods: (Reid&Hotchner)
Ate a cookie, feel bad about it.

Visited my Grandmother, unwillingly, ate dinner, feel bad about it.

Realized that if I keep up on the path I am at, I will be my grandmother - afraid to leave the house.

Came home to frost cookies with mom, the cookies I feel bad about eating one of.

Wrote a final project in two hours. Reread it a few minutes ago and realized I wrote "When/If I become a teacher". Well. That sounds promising.

Refrained from crying in front of my boyfriend when I told him how disappointing it is when I hear about people who have degrees and a will to do something other than the retail jobs they're in, but they can't. Told him I was afraid that would happen to me, and then abruptly ended the conversation because I couldn't handle it.

Terrified I will graduate with a degree in teaching.
Never get a job.
Suffocate in loans.
They'll repossess my car.
Come after my mother for my loans.

I'm worried.
So the highlight of my day - worry.

Worry, and regret.


silvergods: (Default)

October 2013

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